I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
