I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
