so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
