he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
