I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
