1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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