are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
