What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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