I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
