He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
