Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
