Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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