Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
