Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
