She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
