I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
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I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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