would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
