I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We need a shit load of segways right now
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
