When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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