i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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