You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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