Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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