shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
