I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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