I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
