I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
My balls are so social today.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
