Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
