i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
