at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
