just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
