I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
