Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
