Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
