I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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