my vag is so smooth its legendary
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
