It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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