Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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