the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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