Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
