You're my little dorito
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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