are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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