We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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