my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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