You're my little dorito
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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