I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
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I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
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Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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