I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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