he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
