i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize