how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
