I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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