they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
