She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
