Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
