there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
