I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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