Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
