Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
