I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
