Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
