I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
