whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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