dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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