Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
